Treat yourself like a dog!
The Transformative Power of Granting Yourself Grace
High achievers that they are, anxious learners tend to be hard on themselves. VERY hard on themselves. They (and others around them) interpret the behavioral symptoms of their anxiety as screw-ups, then they beat themselves up for the error.
An illustration:
Going to class makes you anxious, so you dawdle, arriving late. You tell yourself, “I’m such a jerk to arrive late to class.” The self-recrimination compounds when it happens again the following week.
Shifting that self-perspective is a significant part of my work.
The first step is to raise awareness of the self-talk messages. The kindest students in the world regularly say terrible things to themselves they’d never say to someone else. When I point this out, inevitably they blink and tell me they are exempt - it’s okay to self-depricate. I push back on that one pretty hard. Interestingly, no one can ever give me a reason why it’s okay.
Building understanding of the way anxiety works follows. The recognition that dawdling results from anxiety (fear) instead of an innate character flaw has the potential to create some space for grace. You can wish very much that you weren’t troubled by anxiety and be mad at the reality, but you can’t blame yourself for your body’s flight/fight/freeze response.
It’s very different to say to yourself, “I dawdle because I am anxious.” vs “I dawdle because I suck.”
Because the learner truly wants to succeed, the next logical step is figuring out how to address the anxiety. They wonder, “If anxiety is the barrier, then how do I remove it?” In my work, that’s the sweet spot for growth.
We begin with baby step victories. We don’t aim for instant punctuality. It would be nice, but it’s hardly realistic. Instead, we take one step toward the root cause: awareness of the mean self-talk. It’s a victory when I hear, “I was late for class, but at least I told myself that it’s not because I’m a loser.” Keeping a mental tally of positive (and accurate) self-talk events reinforces the habit and changes the thinking pretty fast. Then it’s a matter of identifying and implementing strategies.
It’s critical to remind the learner that what they are doing is really hard. Baby steps matter and require mental “Yay me!” celebration. It’s about inverting the thinking. I teach them how to reframe “So what?! I realized anxiety makes me dawdle, but I was still late - not good enough!” to “Okay, I was late, but it’s a victory that I was realistic about why. Next time, I can try to use a strategy to manage my anxiety.”
Sometimes learners really don’t buy it; they fear that if they cut themselves some slack, they’ll never get out of bed. They’ve avoided long enough to know they can convince themselves of all sorts of baloney. Fortunately, we have behaviorism.
Nearly all of my learners have witnessed dog training. They all know that when teaching a dog to sit, if the puppy gets a treat when they first squat, they will soon move from squatting to sitting. (In the biz, this is called “shaping,” btw.) The dog doesn’t get a treat for nothing; the reward comes from the positive steps toward the target behavior.
I encourage my learners to “treat yourself like a dog.”
When anxious students learn to extend themselves some grace, they begin to take ownership for their situation. They become powerful in themselves. “I suck” transforms to “Yes, I have anxiety and yes, I’m doing something about it.”
And here’s the best part: When learners own their anxiety, they declare themselves to others. They can enlist others in supporting their journey. Slinking into class late transforms to a conversation with the professor: “I have anxiety that causes me to struggle to come to class. Here’s what I’m doing about it. Some days I’ll likely be late, but I’m getting better. I’d ask for your understanding during this process. How can I enter late in a way that causes the least disruption?”
And that’s the greatest victory of all: Good-bye, stinkin’ shame!