“But school was easy for me!”: High Achieving Families Adjusting to Neurocomplexity

Most of my learners come from families of highly achieving parents and siblings. It’s a bummer when dad is a noted journalist and you are paralyzed by writing a paragraph, when mom is a top Fortune Five Hundred executive and you can’t keep track of your homework assignments.

Sometimes, parents with high achieving academic histories have difficulty understanding why their obviously bright child struggles in school. Learners’ anxiety understandably mounts when they feel they can’t please their parents.

More frequently, however, I find parents who only want their child to thrive in whatever path they choose. “I don’t care if he finishes at Brown. I don’t even care if he goes to college! I just want him to find his way.” Interestingly, it can take a long time for an anxious learner to internalize this message despite families’ sincere communication. 

Happily, I’ve never met a parent who is not curious to understand why their child experiences such anxiety around schoolwork. During our first conversation, I can usually hazard some educated guesses about the cause of the problem, but it takes time and careful listening to the learner to figure out what’s going on. 

Sometimes the healing journey back from academic anxiety involves an unexpected corner. As learners begin to understand themselves, they may realize they are in the wrong place or headed in the wrong direction. Plans need to change. The elite liberal arts college turns out to not be a fit. A student needs to take a semester off. Career goals change to a profession better aligned with a learner’s neurocomplexity. Learners transfer.

My principal work with my students is to help them understand how they learn and what they can do to make sure learning happens. It can be a long process. As we figure it out, I help “translate” our insights to families so they know how to be supportive. For families who identify with a particular type of institution or career, an altered trajectory can be a hard pill to swallow. Patience and acceptance may be the most important - and difficult - lesson for everyone.